Tonight I expended a portion of my energy in an attempt to draw some communication between the http://www.AtheistNation.Net chat and theistic mind sets. This was an open minded and honest attempt to create chatter. Never has it been in me to simply bash theists. This was executed by me signing up for several Christian based forums/chat sites. This was easy enough mind you; just the generic questions and data for the majority of boards.
Then I encountered a site that first of all restricts non-Christians where a visitor needs to actually check a box that indicates they are in fact Christian. If you do not tick the box; you cannot proceed. Obviously I ticked the box and shortly after found out they diligently seek to weed out fakers or at the least, discourage short attention span visitors by asking a lengthly amount of questions in regards to their beliefs and requiring answers that require thought and effort.
The questions, while requiring effort and knowledge about Christianity, they flowed from my fingers without any tedious strain on my person. There were a few questions where I referenced a search engine to answer, such as the need to specify my local church and favorite verse and chapter. Then the question of how I became saved, or more specifically when did I become a belief was purposed.
This as well did not require any great pondering. I selected the event of 9/11/2002 as my day of seeking god or greater answers that humans presumably can't answer. I was typing way, putting words that were my fictional emotional reasonings. As I typed more and more feeling being entered in sentences that were my need for reason and rhyme to it all.
I began to say that after the event I found god; to explain it all or at least make it ok in the grand scheme of things. And for whatever the reason my emotional level was greater than my more typical apathetic self, and the emotion put into words started to effect me; profoundly so...
I started to surrender logic, reason, common sense, science even! I was giving into the ecstatic concept of an all loving being, who brings order to all things. The answer, and although I may not understand or comprehend the answer fully, I was relinquishing control to god.
This surge of pleasure or bliss if you will, entered me. I'll guess that either I was inducing an increase of dopamine or seratonin or perhaps both; this felt good and wholly right. I may not tear at such elation but that's how it felt, that I would cry in joy to this communion with the creator, the father/mother of the beginning and all beings.
It was appealing to say the least; however, it was not enticing. I ended my testimony and thus the jolt of joy departed.
It seems to me that this sensation created the epiphany that I will now present:
I now know what it feels like to surrender my will to a god-like entity. What saves me from the blunder of the delusional is in the fact that I take the step back: I can separate this feeling and understand what is most likely the cause. There is a certain part of me, and I assume with most humans (at least some small part in the psyche)that wants there to be an absolute. In this scenario that absolute is god. The knower of all, benevolent, a synonym for love, completion, everything, etc...
The jubilation was a lie. Not in what I felt, because it was a physical sensation, but the catalyst which enabled this feeling. And please note my reference to "god" is by no means the vile Christian god, we all know how petty and human-like He is.
It felt good to GIVE into God. Reason and logic was whisked away and everything that matters to me in regard to my scientific understandings was nullified. To dismiss the reality my brain normally presents through electrical impulses. Oddly enough it didn't pain me to throw away critical thinking; as in I didn't feel weak for doing so nor did I feel it was a crime against myself.
Ultimately I believe it is not virtuous or right to give into a lie or self delusion. There is no nobility in believing an epic myth over truth, reason and the reality as we currently understand.
I see and feel now why people give in to these things. It's powerful.
My Analogies:
1.
I've committed myself to a monogamist relationship. This means to become sexually active or romantically involved with another female (I could list male here as well but I happen to be heterosexual) a lie of my belief in the monogamist relationship.
There is no denying that a physical relationship with another female would feel good, as my skin receptors are not exclusively stimulated by that one person. This does not change the fact that if I did such an odious act (odious only in that I personally am monogamist, not because it's wrong to have multiple partners) it would be a lie of my convictions of what I believe and that is a romantic relationship with one person at a time.
2.
The use of the drug methamphetamine is under my ethics as wrong, for me specifically. Just to make it clear I have no objection to people using whatever, provided they are not harming others. Anyways, once again, from everything I've research and viewed about meth it would undeniably feel very very good. Better than sex, better than this ordinary state, better than pretty much everything. The pleasure (elation, jubilation, bliss) created by the drug is there but for me to partake of this drug would be a lie to what I believe; defined by my personal ethics. It would be a lie because it would be a destruction to my ethics and pretty much everything that makes me, me.
My inner-zeitgeist may, over time, permit variants or alterations to my ethics and morals but they will not sway for far as to allow either of those scenarios to come into pass. Just as my belief in some form of a personal god will not overshadow my reasoning based on science and what I procure from the evidence and lack of...
Heh, this is not to say I wouldn't "accept" god if he/she/it came down to me and provided irrefutable proof of existence but come on now, just because a being with greater knowledge and what seems to be magic-like abilities doesn't make them a god. I'm just stating that in my opinion, I'm not closed-minded.
I feel pity and a bit of repugnance towards people who do give in...
Addendum:
Oh goodness, time has passed and the latter sentiments, while still aphoristic, the variables and increased complexity (what has risen to a conscious level) to communicating the entirety shall be taxing on my reserves to say the least.
If only coherent verbal babbling, typing streaming thoughts from beginning to end, anything outside of the brain really, was not experienced as never ending battle of my will against screaming beyond that of my head. To unleash the spectrum of sensations and tributes of irony that hijack clear thought far too often.
The taste on my tongue, intentionally to be only a slight hint to denote a part of me refuses to make anything easy at the conscious level, brings about a thought of pondering as to if there is some wicked bit in me that extracts erotic (it is not sexual, however it seems the only way to convey the appeal to others right now) pleasure by duel mindfcking from the amalgamation and cognitive dissonance of sadomasochism and masochism experienced simultaneously (I know we only process so much and only so much at a time, but it "feels" to come in one pipe and the volume with pressure is unyielding; leaving me to trash pages of thought to avoid other issues that I won't list or this text will fire off to pages and blathering and find itself deleted)
HMm.
Depending who you are, May Lilith Smile Upon You (if she existed). Most humans deserve less than existence, yet take more than those take pleasure in their desire to harm none and help all; making the here (reality) just a nudge more appreciable for our short stay.
This did in fact turn in a few pages and I have removed them and hiding that text from myself so it won't try and offer me treats to just add a little more.
Ah yes, here we are. I'll have to check StickAM to see if my rambling about this may work better (the heck if I can remember what I type):
While I learn towards more addressing theists, who base choices from realms and things which see to not align with bringing focus to value the here and now. This has always applied to atheist types and who ever else slips around these basic layouts. An atheist who uses "there ain't a god," "we can do whatever we want," etc. reaches the same hammer blow to the head.
FINALLY. Done.
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